Mayor of Bean Village: Welcome, citizens of Bean Village to the culminating event of the Beans and Franks Festival: The Punishing of Criminals!
Crowd: Hooray!
Mayor of Bean Village: I was a little worried that we wouldn’t have any criminals to punish this year, but then these four ne’er-do-wells fell right into our laps and saved us!
Crowd: Hooray!
Mayor of Bean Village: Officer Beanchowski, present the accused!
Officer Beanchowski: Yes, sir. Before you stands the infamous Three Bean Teen Gang of Four. We have Gree the Green Bean from Foodlandia, aged seventeen…
Crowd: Boo!
Gree: Psshh…
Officer Beanchowski: Sid the Kidney Bean, aged thirty-seven…
Crowd: Boo!
Sid: Oh snap!
Officer Beanchowski: Bonzo the Garbanzo Bean, aged thirteen…
Crowd: Boo!
Bonzo: WHATEVERZ!!!
Officer Beanchowski: …and clearly the most amoral and disgusting of the lot, one Professor Frederick Fliggins of Professor Island, aged forty-nine…
Crowd: Boo!
Officer Beanchowski: …sir, he appears to be some kind of horrible mutated black-eyed pea.
Crowd: Ew! Gross! Mommy, I’m scared!
PF: *Ulp!*
Mayor of Bean Village: Yes, he surely is revolting! Marvelous! The four accused are charged with sugar-trafficking, inferior bean-sauce distribution, vandalism, resisting arrest, and wack rhymez.
Sid: Oh snap!
Mayor of Bean Village: Oh snap, indeed, not-so-teen bean. And now, ladies and gentlebeans, here to spin the Wheel of Punishment – avert your eyes, Bean-Feminists – may I present to you Miss Bean Village!
Crowd: Ow-OW! Hey-o! Talk about packed with protein!
Miss Bean Village: Settle down, boys – we have some serious business to take care of. Tee-hee!
Mayor of Bean Village: That’s right, we are here to bring these criminals to justice and…
Miss Bean Village: Oopsie, dropped my hanky…
Crowd: Wooo!
Mayor of Bean Village: Great work, sweetheart. Gentlemen, do you understand the charges you’re being convicted of?
Bonzo: Yes.
Sid: Yeah.
Gree: Mm-hmm.
PF: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
Mayor of Bean Village: Wonderful, wonderful. All riiiight, Miss Bean Village, it’s time to…
Crowd: Spin! That! WHEEEEEL! WOOO!
Miss Bean Village: Tee-hee!
Mayor of Bean Village: Oh, Wheel of Punishment, turn turn turn, tell us the punishment these boys have earned… What will it be, folks? Catapulting into the sun? Will they be sautéed in bottom-shelf cooking sherry? The wheel’s slowing down… And it looks… like… it’s… SPLASHY SMASHY!
Crowd: *Gasp!*
Miss Bean Village: Eeeeek!
Mayor of Bean Village: Beanchowski! Get Miss Bean Village some ice water – she’s fainted!
Bonzo: Not Splashy Smashy! We’re hummus for sure!
Sid: Bogus.
PF: What is “Splashy Smashy?” It sounds kind of festive…
Bonzo: Splashy Smashy is the worst thing that could ever happen to a bean. It’s… uh-oh, the wind is picking up…
PF: So?
Miss Bean Village: Eeek!
Bonzo: So here comes the hair!
Crowd: Ewwww! Sick! It landed in my molasses soda!
Mayor of Bean Village: Ugh. Beanchowski, put the prisoners back in their cells, we cannot have the Punishing of Criminals when coated in errant facial hair… SPLASHY SMASHY POSTPONED!
Crowd: Aww! Boo! Dern them hairs! Dern ’em!
Officer Beanchowski: All right boys, you heard the mayor. Come with me.
PF: I am so confused.
Current Mood: Hair-covered and bewildered.
Discoveries Made: The most complicated legal system ever!
Hereinto referenced: 3BT ¤ Mayor of Bean Village ¤ Miss Bean Village ¤ Officer Beanchowski ¤ Splashy Smashy
