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Blobby Log Owners Manual

Tagged: Officer Beanchowski
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Blobby Log Day 64 (part 2)

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 2: Bean Village > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Late Evening; Day 64
Weather: Persistent Hair Storms.
Landscape: As if the landscape has passed through puberty.

NOTES:

Mayor of Bean Village: Curses!  Why did we step outside?  My immense bean-y girth is coated in more facial trimmings!

Officer Beanchowski: This is seriously grossing me out.

Mayor of Bean Village: We’re never gonna get all this hair out of the Bean Sauce – the Beans and Franks will have nothing to frolic in!  The frolicking is in serious jeopardy!

Blobby: I know why hair in their Bean Sauce is really sick, but isn’t anyone else disturbed by the thought of hot dogs and bean-people swimming around in a warm and opaque brown liquid?

PF: Quiet, Blobby!  You will not ruin this for me! So, gentlemen, have you reached a decision about my deal?  I think it super fair…

Mayor of Bean Village: Well, Mutant, I don’t know – we’ve already spun the Wheel of Punishment.  There’s an outstanding decree of Splashy Smashy – the Wheel spake it so.

PF: But… could you not spin another wheel to decide the matter?  Surely I have proven the power of my moustache-tending!

Mayor of Bean Village: It IS luxurious…  hmm…  A Wheel of Municipal Decision-Making – is that what you’re suggesting?

PF: Um… Sure!

Mayor of Bean Village: Beanchowski, fetch the Wheel of Municipal Decision-Making!

Officer Beanchowski: Yes, sir!

PF: Wait, you actually have another wheel?

Mayor of Bean Village: Of course!  All matters of Bean Justice are settled by Official Wheel-Spinnings.

PF: Fascinating.

Officer Beanchowski: I have the Wheel, sir.  And I had to wake up Miss Bean Village.

Miss Bean Village: *Yawn* What time is it?

Mayor of Bean Village: Why I’ll tell you what time it is.  It’s time to..

3BT: Spin… that… wheeeeel…

Miss Bean Village: *Yawn*  Tee-hee…

Mayor of Bean Village: Wheel of Municipal Decision-Making, turn turn turn, tell us the answer to that which we’re concerned…

PF: Blobby, this place seems to be a crazy place.

Mayor of Bean Village: All riiiiight, my mutant friend – looks like you’re going to be heading to the Moustachio Territory on a diplomatic mission of peace.  The Wheel spake it so!

Miss Bean Village: I’m going back to bed.

Mayor of Bean Village: Very good, dear – SPLASHY SMASHY DISMISSED!

3BT: Hooray!

Mayor of Bean Village: In the morning, we will make preparations for your departure.  I do so prefer this course of action to full-blown warfare.  It’s like that famous Moustachio saying: “Beans, Beans: a peaceful fruit.  In wars defeat their poor recruits!”

PF: That barely makes sense.  Blobby, we must flee this ridiculous place!

Current Mood: Relief!
Discoveries Made: I am still not at all certain what Splashy Smashy is... So I did NOT Discover that. I mean, what could it be? I am having a hard time digesting Bean Logic, so I will try and not ponder this anymore or else fear my BRAIN BREAKING. But still, it sounds so FESTIVE. This is going to continue to bug at me. Splashy Smashy? I just do not know...

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 64 (part 1)

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 2: Bean Village > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Early Evening; Day 64
Weather: The Hair Snows
Landscape: Stubbly Cell

NOTES:

Blobby, wake yourself!  The Mayor is in the adjacent room – perhaps he is going to reinstate our Splashy Smashy…

Mayor of Bean Village: I will not stand for this disruptive hair!  It is an affront to the good people of Bean Village!  To war!

Officer Beanchowski: Sir, I don’t know if war is really the best…

Mayor of Bean Village: To war!  To war!  We’ll teach those Moustachios to discard their trimmings so flippantly!  To war!

Officer Beanchowski: Mayor, the Moustachios outnumber us Beans and they can fly!  We are no match!

PF: Bonzo, what does that mean?

Bonzo: The Moustachio Territory is our upwind neighbors to the Northeast.

Sid: They be flying facial hair, joe!

Bonzo: Yeah.

Sid: And they trimmings be all up in our sodas, G!

PF: Flying moustaches!  Sweet zonkers – perhaps these mythic beings can reunite me with the sky!  They are my only passport to liberation!  HEY!  HEY-LO!  MISTER MAYOR!  HEY!  I CAN ASSIST IN THE DEFEAT OF THE MOUSTACHIOS!

Bonzo: What are you doing?  You want us to get Double Splashy Smashy’d?

PF: Calm yourself, delinquent.  I am preparing to exonerate us!  HEY-LO!  YIP!  YIP!

Officer Beanchowski: Hey, what’s going on?  Pipe down in here!

PF: Sir, I have the solution to your hair-covered problem and the secret is growing from my face follicles!

Officer Beanchowski: I swear, if I have to Splash Smash you myself…

Mayor of Bean Village: Wait, Beanchowski – let the mutant speak…

PF: Thank you.  Sirs, I know a little something about what it means to be a flying moustache for I am an expert aeronaut and a fifteenth-level moustache regulator!  Behold my glorious ‘stache!

Mayor of Bean Village: It is an impressive moustache…

PF: Precisely!  Why I can draw upon my expertise as an airborne facial hair enthusiast to infiltrate the Moustachio Territory, procure the necessary intelligence secrets, and then we may wipe the country-side clean of your hairy nuisance!

Mayor of Bean Village: Hmmm…

PF: My only fee would be freedom for myself and my 3BT comrades from here and the wrath of your most vicious Splashy Smashy.

Mayor of Bean Village:
I don’t know…  The people haven’t had a good Splashy Smashy in ages…

PF: Perhaps you need to step outside and discuss it with your brutish flunky here.

Officer Beanchowski:
Hey!

Mayor of Bean Village:
Yes.  Let’s discuss this outside, Beanchowski.

Officer Beanchowski: Fine.  But I’m watching you, Mutant.  I’m watching you.

PF: Keep watching, my good neighbor!  I will be confined to my cell in the meanwhile!

Bean Mayor!

Current Mood: Conniving!
Discoveries Made: A use for my fifteenth-level moustache regulator status.

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 62

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 2: Bean Village > Vol. 1

Timestamp: High Noon; Day 62
Weather: Boding fore.
Landscape: The BFF Fairgrounds.

NOTES:

SPLASHY SMASHY?!Mayor of Bean Village: Welcome, citizens of Bean Village to the culminating event of the Beans and Franks Festival: The Punishing of Criminals!

Crowd: Hooray!

Mayor of Bean Village: I was a little worried that we wouldn’t have any criminals to punish this year, but then these four ne’er-do-wells fell right into our laps and saved us!

Crowd: Hooray!

Mayor of Bean Village: Officer Beanchowski, present the accused!

Officer Beanchowski:
Yes, sir.  Before you stands the infamous Three Bean Teen Gang of Four.  We have Gree the Green Bean from Foodlandia, aged seventeen…

Crowd: Boo!

Gree: Psshh…

Officer Beanchowski: Sid the Kidney Bean, aged thirty-seven…

Crowd: Boo!

Sid: Oh snap!

Officer Beanchowski: Bonzo the Garbanzo Bean, aged thirteen…

Crowd: Boo!

Bonzo: WHATEVERZ!!!

Officer Beanchowski: …and clearly the most amoral and disgusting of the lot, one Professor Frederick Fliggins of Professor Island, aged forty-nine…

Crowd: Boo!

Officer Beanchowski: …sir, he appears to be some kind of horrible mutated black-eyed pea.

Crowd: Ew!  Gross!  Mommy, I’m scared!

PF: *Ulp!*

Mayor of Bean Village:
Yes, he surely is revolting!  Marvelous!  The four accused are charged with sugar-trafficking, inferior bean-sauce distribution, vandalism, resisting arrest, and wack rhymez.

Sid: Oh snap!

Mayor of Bean Village: Oh snap, indeed, not-so-teen bean.  And now, ladies and gentlebeans, here to spin the Wheel of Punishment – avert your eyes, Bean-Feminists – may I present to you Miss Bean Village!

Crowd: Ow-OW!  Hey-o!  Talk about packed with protein!

Miss Bean Village: Settle down, boys – we have some serious business to take care of.  Tee-hee!

Mayor of Bean Village:
That’s right, we are here to bring these criminals to justice and…

Miss Bean Village: Oopsie, dropped my hanky…

Crowd: Wooo!

Mayor of Bean Village: Great work, sweetheart.  Gentlemen, do you understand the charges you’re being convicted of?

Bonzo: Yes.

Sid: Yeah.

Gree: Mm-hmm.

PF:
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING AT ALL RIGHT NOW.

Mayor of Bean Village: Wonderful, wonderful.  All riiiight, Miss Bean Village, it’s time to…

Crowd: Spin!  That!  WHEEEEEL!  WOOO!

Miss Bean Village: Tee-hee!

Mayor of Bean Village: Oh, Wheel of Punishment, turn turn turn, tell us the punishment these boys have earned…  What will it be, folks?  Catapulting into the sun?  Will they be sautéed in bottom-shelf cooking sherry?  The wheel’s slowing down…  And it looks… like… it’s… SPLASHY SMASHY!

Crowd: *Gasp!*

Miss Bean Village: Eeeeek!

Mayor of Bean Village: Beanchowski!  Get Miss Bean Village some ice water – she’s fainted!

Bonzo: Not Splashy Smashy!  We’re hummus for sure!

Sid: Bogus.

PF: What is “Splashy Smashy?”  It sounds kind of festive…

Bonzo: Splashy Smashy is the worst thing that could ever happen to a bean.  It’s…  uh-oh, the wind is picking up…

PF: So?

Miss Bean Village: Eeek!

Bonzo: So here comes the hair!

Crowd: Ewwww!  Sick!   It landed in my molasses soda!

Mayor of Bean Village: Ugh.  Beanchowski, put the prisoners back in their cells, we cannot have the Punishing of Criminals when coated in errant facial hair…  SPLASHY SMASHY POSTPONED!

Crowd: Aww!  Boo!  Dern them hairs!  Dern ’em!

Officer Beanchowski:
All right boys, you heard the mayor.  Come with me.

PF: I am so confused.

Current Mood: Hair-covered and bewildered.
Discoveries Made: The most complicated legal system ever!

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤