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The Professorial Oath

As written by the Fore Professors

I swear by Dingleflarn, Spackleblord, Zipporpo, and Earl, and I take to witness all the Professors, all the Deans, Bursars, and Provosts, to keep according to my Ability and my Judgment, the following Oath.

To consider dear to me, as my Discoveries, him who taught me this Art; to live in common with him and, if necessary, to share my goods with him; To look upon his children as my own buddies, to teach them this Discovering Art. To give him Pancakes if he stops by unexpectedly for Breakfast, even if my Pancake supply is low due to a shortage of INGREDIENTS or a surplus of BREAKFAST GUESTS.

I will not be mean to ANYONE, even if I suspect I am smarter than they are.

But I will preserve the Purity of my Life and my Arts and the Bounty of my Moustache.

I will not cut Class, even if Something exceedingly interesting is happening simultaneously; I will ask about this so-called interesting Thing later and rely on the Description of it by my Friends as the source of my Entertainment.

In every HOUSE where I come I will enter only for the good of my Discoveries and STUDIES, keeping my Feet clean of MUD so as not to ruin the Carpets and Linoleums of innocent Professors.

All that may come to my Knowledge in the exercise of my Profession or in daily Commerce with Professors, which ought not to be spread Abroad, I will keep SECRET and will never Reveal. I will also not peak into the Hiding Places where Presents are kept, for I should not want to ruin SURPRISES.

And given there are innumerable Things in the World as we know it – each of which holding as much Import AND Fascination as the next, no matter the Stature, Orientation, Weight, Flavor, Viscosity, Irritability Level, Coordination in Sporting Activities, or Elsewise – it is my sworn Duty as a Professor to Discover all of them utterly in Full.

If I keep this OATH faithfully, may I enjoy my Life and practice my Art, respected by all Professors and in all Times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the Reverse be my Lot.