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Blobby Log Owners Manual

Tagged: Splashy Smashy
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Blobby Log Day 74

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 3: Moustachio Territory > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Afternoon; Day 74
Weather: WINDY!
Landscape: Racing so fast into my face!


Hurry, Prime Ministache – we must be FASTER than the wind!

Prime Ministache: I am flying as fast as I can!

PF: There they are!  Descend!  Descend!

Prime Ministache: You shall pluck the hairs from me!  Calm your grip, sir!

FIGHT!PF: I AM SO EXCITED!  Look at everyone assembled; these Beans must ONLY have public events!  Let us land behind that Bean Vendor Tent so that we may try and get close to the Mayor.  Yes, very good.  You, Bean, what is going on here?

Random Bean: This is the annual Wrestling Match between the Hot Dog King and our Bean Village Mayor – DUH.  Now leave me alone, ya mutant – they’re smack talking!

Hot Dog King: We’re evenly tied, Mayor – exactly 1,734 to 1,734 matches won apiece.  Today’s bout will decide the juju of our lands for the next 300 years – I sure hope nothing catastrophic ruins this moment!

PF: *ulp!*

Mayor of Bean Village: Quit your jibber jabber, King Weenie – LET’S DO THIS!

Crowd: WOOOO!!!

Miss Bean Village: ROUND ONE!  Tee-hee!

Hot Dog King: I’m gonna bun you, Beany!

Mayor of Bean Village: Bring it on, Meat Tube!

Hot Dog King: Taste my fury!  Hey, why is the sun being blotted out by that foreboding cloud?

PF: That’s the Hairstorm, your highness.

Mayor of Bean Village: THE HAIRSTORM!  I sent you to STOP the Hairstorm, Mutant!  The day is ruined!   BEANS, ASSEMBLE!  WE’RE GOING TO WAR!

Bean Crowd: HOORAY!

Prime Ministache: Sir!  Please, it does not have to come to this.

Hot Dog King: Hairstorm?  During Annual Wrestling Day?  That tears it!  Hot Dogs, prepare to attack the Moustachio Territory!

Hot Dog Crowd: HOORAY!

Prime Ministache: Gentlemen, surely we can avoid war!  Professor Fliggins, you must intervene!

Hot Dog King: This Pastry?  Intervene?  He couldn’t even find my crown!

Mayor of Bean Village: Beanchowski!  Fetch the Splashy Smashy apparatus so we can dispose of this Mutant once and for all.

PF: Now wait you reactionary loons!  LOOK!  IN THE DISTANCE!

Miss Bean Village: *gasp!*

Mayor of Bean Village: The Hair!  It’s stopped!

Hot Dog King: But how?  Is that a wall?

PF: Nay!  Peer through my extending Monocle and be amazed!

Mayor of Bean Village: Why, the Beards and Moustachios – they’ve caught the Hairstorm in giant… hairnets!

Hot Dog King: …woven of more discarded hair!  Ingenious!

PF: Thank you.

King and Mayor: WAR CANCELLED!

Crowd: HOORAY!

PF: *phew!*

Prime Ministache: Well done, Fliggins!  You saved us all from violence!

Miss Bean Village: How did you do it?

PF: I will tell you, but first, can someone PLEASE fetch my Dirigible and bring it here?  I must FLY and shall never be without it AGAIN.

Hot Dog King: Certainly!  Sausage Cadet, fetch the Pastry’s Airship!

Mayor of Bean Village: Beanchowski, get this Mutant some Bean Gas!

Prime Ministache: Royal Moustachio Air Force, come at once to aide in the Professor’s departure!

PF: Hooray!

Crowd: HOORAY!

Hair Net

Current Mood: Heroic!
Discoveries Made: REDEMPTIONS!

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 64 (part 2)

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 2: Bean Village > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Late Evening; Day 64
Weather: Persistent Hair Storms.
Landscape: As if the landscape has passed through puberty.


Mayor of Bean Village: Curses!  Why did we step outside?  My immense bean-y girth is coated in more facial trimmings!

Officer Beanchowski: This is seriously grossing me out.

Mayor of Bean Village: We’re never gonna get all this hair out of the Bean Sauce – the Beans and Franks will have nothing to frolic in!  The frolicking is in serious jeopardy!

Blobby: I know why hair in their Bean Sauce is really sick, but isn’t anyone else disturbed by the thought of hot dogs and bean-people swimming around in a warm and opaque brown liquid?

PF: Quiet, Blobby!  You will not ruin this for me! So, gentlemen, have you reached a decision about my deal?  I think it super fair…

Mayor of Bean Village: Well, Mutant, I don’t know – we’ve already spun the Wheel of Punishment.  There’s an outstanding decree of Splashy Smashy – the Wheel spake it so.

PF: But… could you not spin another wheel to decide the matter?  Surely I have proven the power of my moustache-tending!

Mayor of Bean Village: It IS luxurious…  hmm…  A Wheel of Municipal Decision-Making – is that what you’re suggesting?

PF: Um… Sure!

Mayor of Bean Village: Beanchowski, fetch the Wheel of Municipal Decision-Making!

Officer Beanchowski: Yes, sir!

PF: Wait, you actually have another wheel?

Mayor of Bean Village: Of course!  All matters of Bean Justice are settled by Official Wheel-Spinnings.

PF: Fascinating.

Officer Beanchowski: I have the Wheel, sir.  And I had to wake up Miss Bean Village.

Miss Bean Village: *Yawn* What time is it?

Mayor of Bean Village: Why I’ll tell you what time it is.  It’s time to..

3BT: Spin… that… wheeeeel…

Miss Bean Village: *Yawn*  Tee-hee…

Mayor of Bean Village: Wheel of Municipal Decision-Making, turn turn turn, tell us the answer to that which we’re concerned…

PF: Blobby, this place seems to be a crazy place.

Mayor of Bean Village: All riiiiight, my mutant friend – looks like you’re going to be heading to the Moustachio Territory on a diplomatic mission of peace.  The Wheel spake it so!

Miss Bean Village: I’m going back to bed.

Mayor of Bean Village: Very good, dear – SPLASHY SMASHY DISMISSED!

3BT: Hooray!

Mayor of Bean Village: In the morning, we will make preparations for your departure.  I do so prefer this course of action to full-blown warfare.  It’s like that famous Moustachio saying: “Beans, Beans: a peaceful fruit.  In wars defeat their poor recruits!”

PF: That barely makes sense.  Blobby, we must flee this ridiculous place!

Current Mood: Relief!
Discoveries Made: I am still not at all certain what Splashy Smashy is... So I did NOT Discover that. I mean, what could it be? I am having a hard time digesting Bean Logic, so I will try and not ponder this anymore or else fear my BRAIN BREAKING. But still, it sounds so FESTIVE. This is going to continue to bug at me. Splashy Smashy? I just do not know...

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 64 (part 1)

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 2: Bean Village > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Early Evening; Day 64
Weather: The Hair Snows
Landscape: Stubbly Cell


Blobby, wake yourself!  The Mayor is in the adjacent room – perhaps he is going to reinstate our Splashy Smashy…

Mayor of Bean Village: I will not stand for this disruptive hair!  It is an affront to the good people of Bean Village!  To war!

Officer Beanchowski: Sir, I don’t know if war is really the best…

Mayor of Bean Village: To war!  To war!  We’ll teach those Moustachios to discard their trimmings so flippantly!  To war!

Officer Beanchowski: Mayor, the Moustachios outnumber us Beans and they can fly!  We are no match!

PF: Bonzo, what does that mean?

Bonzo: The Moustachio Territory is our upwind neighbors to the Northeast.

Sid: They be flying facial hair, joe!

Bonzo: Yeah.

Sid: And they trimmings be all up in our sodas, G!

PF: Flying moustaches!  Sweet zonkers – perhaps these mythic beings can reunite me with the sky!  They are my only passport to liberation!  HEY!  HEY-LO!  MISTER MAYOR!  HEY!  I CAN ASSIST IN THE DEFEAT OF THE MOUSTACHIOS!

Bonzo: What are you doing?  You want us to get Double Splashy Smashy’d?

PF: Calm yourself, delinquent.  I am preparing to exonerate us!  HEY-LO!  YIP!  YIP!

Officer Beanchowski: Hey, what’s going on?  Pipe down in here!

PF: Sir, I have the solution to your hair-covered problem and the secret is growing from my face follicles!

Officer Beanchowski: I swear, if I have to Splash Smash you myself…

Mayor of Bean Village: Wait, Beanchowski – let the mutant speak…

PF: Thank you.  Sirs, I know a little something about what it means to be a flying moustache for I am an expert aeronaut and a fifteenth-level moustache regulator!  Behold my glorious ‘stache!

Mayor of Bean Village: It is an impressive moustache…

PF: Precisely!  Why I can draw upon my expertise as an airborne facial hair enthusiast to infiltrate the Moustachio Territory, procure the necessary intelligence secrets, and then we may wipe the country-side clean of your hairy nuisance!

Mayor of Bean Village: Hmmm…

PF: My only fee would be freedom for myself and my 3BT comrades from here and the wrath of your most vicious Splashy Smashy.

Mayor of Bean Village:
I don’t know…  The people haven’t had a good Splashy Smashy in ages…

PF: Perhaps you need to step outside and discuss it with your brutish flunky here.

Officer Beanchowski:

Mayor of Bean Village:
Yes.  Let’s discuss this outside, Beanchowski.

Officer Beanchowski: Fine.  But I’m watching you, Mutant.  I’m watching you.

PF: Keep watching, my good neighbor!  I will be confined to my cell in the meanwhile!

Bean Mayor!

Current Mood: Conniving!
Discoveries Made: A use for my fifteenth-level moustache regulator status.

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 63

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 2: Bean Village > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Morning; Day 63
Weather: Nawt Hawt.
Landscape: BEAN PRISON.


I am astonished and ashamed by how quickly I was able to descend into a life of crime.  My cell mates, the 3BT, seem increasingly less cool when I find myself charged with wack rhymez and now face imminent Splashy Smashy!

This is my second imprisonment in as many lands visited.  If I knew that every time I traveled to a foreign country I would be thrown in its least comfortable holes, I perhaps would have not left Professor Island in the first place.  I believe I am fed up with imprisonment.

A disgrace!  I will tell you, Blobby, a Discoverist must be out in the Field – lifting up rocks, peering around corners, giggling uncontrollably whilst chasing butterflies!  Discoverists should NOT be cooped up in various Pits of Despair…

I miss my Dirigible – flying among the birds whose tweet-tweeting offer me immediate updates into the emotions of the clouds, the feelings of freedom, the date/time/location of boundless soaring glory.  Tweet-tweet, my winged brothers, my swooping sisters.  Tweet-tweet.

I resolve to no longer be a be-jailed delinquent teenaged bean!  I am old!  I am good!  I am a Discoverist, darnit!

Current Mood: A Three-Bean Salad wherein the beans are "shame," "disgust," and "a longing to not be in prison!"
Discoveries Made: I take back having said, "3BT 4 Lyfe!" all those times. I have Discovered "take backs."

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 62

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 2: Bean Village > Vol. 1

Timestamp: High Noon; Day 62
Weather: Boding fore.
Landscape: The BFF Fairgrounds.


SPLASHY SMASHY?!Mayor of Bean Village: Welcome, citizens of Bean Village to the culminating event of the Beans and Franks Festival: The Punishing of Criminals!

Crowd: Hooray!

Mayor of Bean Village: I was a little worried that we wouldn’t have any criminals to punish this year, but then these four ne’er-do-wells fell right into our laps and saved us!

Crowd: Hooray!

Mayor of Bean Village: Officer Beanchowski, present the accused!

Officer Beanchowski:
Yes, sir.  Before you stands the infamous Three Bean Teen Gang of Four.  We have Gree the Green Bean from Foodlandia, aged seventeen…

Crowd: Boo!

Gree: Psshh…

Officer Beanchowski: Sid the Kidney Bean, aged thirty-seven…

Crowd: Boo!

Sid: Oh snap!

Officer Beanchowski: Bonzo the Garbanzo Bean, aged thirteen…

Crowd: Boo!


Officer Beanchowski: …and clearly the most amoral and disgusting of the lot, one Professor Frederick Fliggins of Professor Island, aged forty-nine…

Crowd: Boo!

Officer Beanchowski: …sir, he appears to be some kind of horrible mutated black-eyed pea.

Crowd: Ew!  Gross!  Mommy, I’m scared!

PF: *Ulp!*

Mayor of Bean Village:
Yes, he surely is revolting!  Marvelous!  The four accused are charged with sugar-trafficking, inferior bean-sauce distribution, vandalism, resisting arrest, and wack rhymez.

Sid: Oh snap!

Mayor of Bean Village: Oh snap, indeed, not-so-teen bean.  And now, ladies and gentlebeans, here to spin the Wheel of Punishment – avert your eyes, Bean-Feminists – may I present to you Miss Bean Village!

Crowd: Ow-OW!  Hey-o!  Talk about packed with protein!

Miss Bean Village: Settle down, boys – we have some serious business to take care of.  Tee-hee!

Mayor of Bean Village:
That’s right, we are here to bring these criminals to justice and…

Miss Bean Village: Oopsie, dropped my hanky…

Crowd: Wooo!

Mayor of Bean Village: Great work, sweetheart.  Gentlemen, do you understand the charges you’re being convicted of?

Bonzo: Yes.

Sid: Yeah.

Gree: Mm-hmm.


Mayor of Bean Village: Wonderful, wonderful.  All riiiight, Miss Bean Village, it’s time to…

Crowd: Spin!  That!  WHEEEEEL!  WOOO!

Miss Bean Village: Tee-hee!

Mayor of Bean Village: Oh, Wheel of Punishment, turn turn turn, tell us the punishment these boys have earned…  What will it be, folks?  Catapulting into the sun?  Will they be sautéed in bottom-shelf cooking sherry?  The wheel’s slowing down…  And it looks… like… it’s… SPLASHY SMASHY!

Crowd: *Gasp!*

Miss Bean Village: Eeeeek!

Mayor of Bean Village: Beanchowski!  Get Miss Bean Village some ice water – she’s fainted!

Bonzo: Not Splashy Smashy!  We’re hummus for sure!

Sid: Bogus.

PF: What is “Splashy Smashy?”  It sounds kind of festive…

Bonzo: Splashy Smashy is the worst thing that could ever happen to a bean.  It’s…  uh-oh, the wind is picking up…

PF: So?

Miss Bean Village: Eeek!

Bonzo: So here comes the hair!

Crowd: Ewwww!  Sick!   It landed in my molasses soda!

Mayor of Bean Village: Ugh.  Beanchowski, put the prisoners back in their cells, we cannot have the Punishing of Criminals when coated in errant facial hair…  SPLASHY SMASHY POSTPONED!

Crowd: Aww!  Boo!  Dern them hairs!  Dern ’em!

Officer Beanchowski:
All right boys, you heard the mayor.  Come with me.

PF: I am so confused.

Current Mood: Hair-covered and bewildered.
Discoveries Made: The most complicated legal system ever!

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤