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Blobby Log Owners Manual

Tagged: Vampire Pants
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Blobby Log Day 140 (part two)

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 9: Pantsylvania > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Evening; Day 140
Weather: Zoom!
Landscape: Woosh!

NOTES:

Hurry!  Always hurry!  We must get to Foodlandia before that Evil Mailbox tells Mr. Demon how to find Professor Island!  Blobby – use your boneless body to pick the lock on Vampire Pants’s castle door so we may re-enter and get our Dirigible off the roof.

Blobby: You want me to squeeze into that keyhole?  It’s dirty!

PF: THERE IS NO TIME FOR DICUSSIONS OF HYGIENE!  Besides, you are a blob, squeezing into small , dark crevices is the best part of being spineless!

Blobby: Ugh.  Okay.  Roy, take dictation while I’m in there…

Roy: Uh… Okay. UM.  LIKe thiS?  Howt werk typmographer?  PF says it’s just like writing by handbutI don’t thinkso it is that easy – stop yelling!- yes I’m writing what you’re saying . .  this is hard. I wonder how the pink ninja is doing.  she sure wuz swell… whassat? Oh 0- asdfjkl

Blobby: Move over.  What’s this stuff?

Roy: Hey, typing is hard!  Everyone was talking so fast!

PF: Cease your bickering!  Thank you for picking the lock, Blobby – we are nearly to the roof…

Vampire Pants: BLEH!  Oh, hello – what’s up?

PF: This talking hankie –

Stubbler Hankie: Hello.

PF: – has told me how to return home.  I am all set to save my island from Mr. Demon!

Vampire Pants: That’s so great!  BLEH!  Let’s take you to your airship!

PF: Yipee!

Moustachia: Finawwy, ow twavews have puwpose!

Vampire Pants: Here she is, right where you blehft her!  I even laundered the kerchiefs for you.

Stubbler Hankie: Nice.

PF: Oh, thank you so much, Vampire Pants!

Vampire Pants: No problehm.  Say, did you convince those crazy pants mobs outside that I wasn’t a vampire and just regular, misunderstood pants?

PF: Ummm… You know, I do not think we really got around to that…

Vampire Pants: Oh.  Well, thanks anyway.  Let me help you into the basket here…

PF: Fire up the motor to this mother!  We… are… OFF!

Vampire Pants: Bye, Professor Fliggins!  You’re the only person who ever accepted me for who I am!

PF: Farewell, friend!

Vampire Pants: One last thing!  Did you lock the door?

PF: What was that?

Vampire Pants: The door! Did you lock it?

PF: Uhhh…

Good luck and good bye!Angry Pant Mob: The creature!

Hysterical Pant Mob: The dreamboat!

Vampire Pants: Oh no!

Pant Mobs: Get him!

PF: Bye now, Vampire Pants!  Good luck and such!  What a nice fellow…

Current Mood: Go go go!
Discoveries Made: Clean kerchiefs!

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 140 (part one)

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 9: Pantsylvania > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Mid-Morning; Day 140
Weather: Triumphant!
Landscape: Almost already a memory!

NOTES:

Oh my!  How harrowing, Stubbler Hankie!  So you floated upon the winds for how long?

Stubbler Hankie: One hundred and forty days.

PF: That is a remarkable amount of time for an adventure!

Stubbler Hankie: But I could see that the currents of the sea flowed down from the main continent to Professor Island from one place – a country called Foodlandia.

PF: So that is how we get home?

Stubbler Hankie: Yes.  You must fly to Foodlandia, and follow the current south over the rocks and volcanoes and then you will be home.

PF: Oh I am going to cry with relief at this news!  But why did you leave Professor Island?  Were you shunned by society too?

Stubbler Hankie: No, my owner, Full Professor Stubbler, he began to act… strange…

PF: How so?  Hey!  Where did that sinister-looking mailbox come from?

Sinister-Looking Mailbox: Uh-oh!

Stubbler Hankie: Oh no!  That is one of Mr. Demon’s spies!  He heard me tell you the location of Professor Island!

Sinister-Looking Mailbox: The jig is up!  I’m outta here!

PF: Get him!

Hysterical Kulats: Hey, NARC, you stepped on my leg!

Angry Liederhosen: He did not!  You are just starting teenybopper trouble!

Hysterical Pant Mob: Boo!

Angry Pant Mob: Boo!

Huh?!PF: Please, set your differences aside and let us through!  That mailbox is getting away!

Sinister-Looking Mailbox: Nya-ha-ha!

Pants Mobs: RARRRR!

PF: We shall never get through this mass of misguided bottoms!  To the Vampire Pants Castle!  We must get to the airship on the roof and depart IMMEDIATELY FOR FOODLANDIA!

Stubbler Hankie: I shall go with you.  Those Plaid Pants I was in the back pocket of smelled funny.

PF: Excellent!  Away!

Kerchief!

Current Mood: Rushed away!
Discoveries Made: Heroism!

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 139

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 9: Pantsylvania > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Afternoon; Day 139
Weather: Two kinds!
Landscape: Angry Pant Villagers for days!

NOTES:

That Hysterical Pant Mob we just left was UNBEARABLE.  I have never seen so many placards covered in glitter glue, nor have I viewed so much ridiculous fan-fiction and cruddy television shows devoted to a pair pants before.

Moustachia: They think he’s a vampiwe, though.

PF: So what if he WAS a vampire!  That does not necessitate the mounds of unmentionable garbage that is being heaped into the universe on his behalf?  Now this angry mob is more my style – curmudgeony and bitter.

Roy: But you’re not those things.

PF: I am now!  Those fad-following Pants drove me to it!

Blobby: Hey, PF, chill out.  They’re just a bunch of kids…

PF: Ugh.  I guess you are right – I am just upset that vampires are popular now and people have forgotten about zombies!  What is next, lagoon creatures?  Cowboys?  Squirrels? One cannot keep up!

Blobby: That’s the point of being young – you make the people older than you feel like they’re out of it for not loving the things you love.

PF: But I bought all these ironic zombie t-shirts!  Sigh, anyway, let us begin the long-process of finding some plaid Professor Pants here among the grumps.  Oh look, a big shiny coin on the ground!

Roy: Ooooh!  Pick it up!

PF: I think that I shall.  Now to simply bend at the waist and pluck from the ground this serendipitous treasure…

?: *whistle* Well, hello there, young lady – I haven’t seen you around this side of the protest before.

PF: I hope that he is not talking to my rump.

?: The quiet type, eh?  Looks like someone’s inchin’ toward a pinchin’!

PF: YOW!

?: What is this!  What are you doing to this beautiful young woman?

PF: You pinched my butt!

?: I did not!  I was merely becoming acquainted with the respectable lady you are ATTACKING with your BODY!  Dislodge yourself from her head instantly!

PF: Hey, wait a second!  You are a pair of Plaid Pants!

Plaid Pants: A racist too, are ya!  This will not stand!  Duel!  This calls for a duel!

Angry Pant Mob: A duel!  A duel!

Blobby: Hey, buddy, he’s not attacking those Pants, he’s wearing them.

*SLAP*

Blobby: Ow!  He just slapped my face with his Pant Leg!

Plaid Pants: We’ll see who’s wearing who!  Duel!  Dickie, get over here!

Dickie: Yeah?

Plaid Pants: Fetch my dueling irons.  I’m gonna smooth out this puffy cad!

Dickie: You got it!

PF: Now now, really, there is no need for ironing duels, whatever that is.  I am merely wondering at the location of Professor Island…

Plaid Pants: Are you okay there, sweetie?  I’ll free you, as soon as this joker gets IRONED.

Roy: He’s talking to your Pants, PF.

PF: I see this.

Dickie: Here you go, Plaidson!  Here you go, bulgy stranger!

Angry Pant Mob: Ironing duel!  Ironing duel!

Plaid Pants: Okay, buddy – prepare to be flattened!

PF: Really, there has just been a miscommuni…

*T S S S S S*

PF: OWWW!  You just scalded my flesh!

Plaid Pants: That’s right!  You’re going DOWN.

PF: Oh yeah?  COME HERE!

*P S S HHhhhhHHHhhhHH tssSS S S S Ssss!*

Plaid Pants: He’s overpowerin’ me!

PF: Mmph!  Yeah!  Get you some…

Plaid Pants: What, do you have some kind of complex musculature supported by rigid bones or something?

PF: Precisely!

Plaid Pants: I’m a goner!  My wrinkles!  Is this the untimely end of Plaidington Plaidson?

PF: Yes!  And now for the coup de grâce, a triple fold!

Plaid Pants: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Angry Pant Mob: Oooooohhhh!

Distant Baggy Jeans: No he didn’t!

photopainting_139PF: That shall teach him to pinch the bottom of Professor Frederick Fliggins!

*Applause*

Blobby: Good work, PF.

PF: Thank you, Blobert.

?: Did you say you were looking for Professor Island?

PF: Oh, now you want to be reasonable?

?: No, I’m not the Plaid Pants, look in his back pocket.

PF: Hey, a talking hankie.

Talking Hankie: Indeed.

PF: Wait…  this monogram.  I recognize it!  It is Professor Stubbler’s!  Are you… from Professor Island… too?

Talking Hankie: I am, Frederick Fliggins, Junior Discoverist.

PF: OH MY SWEET GOLLY GOODNESS!!!  Do  you know how to get home?  I fear it is in the gravest of danger!

Talking Hankie: I do.

PF: Tell me.  Oh sweet treasure.  Please tell me.

Current Mood: ...
Discoveries Made: Home? Have I found my ticket home?

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 138

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 9: Pantsylvania > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Twilight; Day 138
Weather: Baffling.
Landscape: Rolling hills of Pants in love.

NOTES:

All of these teenybopper Pants are beginning to turn my stomach with their unbridled enthusiasm for life and blood-curdling joy-screams over nothing at all.

Boot-cut Lowrise Jean-Pants: OH MY GAWD, I LOVE WEDNESDAYS!

Roy: Like that?

PF: Precisely.  My eardrums cannot handle much more of these darn tweenagers…  Let us press on and try to find those plaid Professor Pants.  Excuse me, young lady, have you seen any Pants that look like mine, but with a face where my zipper is?

Goth Pants with Lots of Buckles and Holes with Visible Fishnets Underneath and Running Mascara: Buh-huh-huh!

PF: Oh!  I did not mean to startle you!

Goth Pants: It’s not you, IDIOT.

PF: Oh.  Then why are you crying?

Goth Pants: BECAUSE I LOVE THE VAMPIRE PANTS SO-HO-HO MUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUCH…  *sob sob sniffle sob*

PF: Moving on…

Roy: So this camp of hundreds of fashionable Pants have Vampiremania?  I don’t get it.

PF: Yes.  It seems odd to me that there would be so much hysteria over what they think is a MURDERER.

Goth Pants: YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS OF HIS DARK, BROODING BEAUTY!

Blobby: Walk faster, PF.

PF: Goodness gracious.  This is ridiculous.  Excuse me, miss?

Skort-Pants: Ugh, can I just TELL YOU how much I love the Vampire Pants?

PF: I would certainly prefer not…

Skort-Pants: He is SO mysterious!  It’s like he’s pretending to ignore the fact that we’d all totally marry him immediately!

Hysterical Pant Mob: Yeah!

Skort-Pants: I <3 VAMPIRES!

Roy: You less than three vampires?  Why did you just say that?

PF: Okay.  Yes.  Vampires, oh-em-gee, they are aces.  Just a real tubular group of murderers.  Look, I was wondering if you have seen walking around any fellows who resemble my lower torso.

Skort-Pants: Ungh.  No way, creepster-centralous.  Pants THAT ugly are only walking around in that lame-o anti-vampire mob.  YOU GUYS STINK!

Angry Pants Mob: YOU STINK!

Skort-Pants: Being a vampire is genetic!  He can’t help being the tortured soul he is!

Angry Pants Mob: It’s a choice!

Hysterical Pants Mob: Genetic!

Angry Pants Mob: A choice!

Hysterical Pants Mob: Boo!

Angry Pants Mob: Boo!

PF: This emotional hormone pile has a point – the refined pant-fashion sense of a Professor like me would never be seen in this camp of hysterical Vampire-loving loons.  Let us cross the picket-line to the other side.  If you will excuse me, miss.

Skort-Pants: Ugh, whatevs.  See you never, NARC!

PF: Yes.  Yes, you will not ever see me here again…

Current Mood: Annoyed by youth.
Discoveries Made: Another flavor of impatience.

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤

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Blobby Log Day 137

As written by Professor Fliggins in Chapter 9: Pantsylvania > Vol. 1

Timestamp: Cloudy-time; Day 137
Weather: See above.
Landscape: Rolling hills of cabbage farms and pant houses.

NOTES:

Vampire Pants: Here’s the door to the outside – be careful!  BLEH!

PF: I do not know why any mob would gather for you, Vampire Pants – you are so friendly!

Vampire Pants: Oh, you’ll see…  Good luck!

*C R E E E E E e e e e E E E E K!*

PF: You need to oil those ominous hinges…

Giant Mobs of Pants: There he is!  The Monster!  Get him!  Rarrr!

PF: Hmm…  What an angry collection of torch-wielding trousers…  Perhaps we should go back in… *SLAM!* …side.  Well.  Prepare to be torn apart, pals!

Blobby, Roy, & Moustachia: Yay.

Muffled Voice of the Vampire Pants: BLEH!

Angry Liederhosen: Rip the Monster’s seams!

Hysterical Kulats: No!  Don’t hurt him, or his perfect seams!

PF: Oh, please do not disturb my fleshy seams!

Angry Liederhosen: Hey, this ain’t the creature.

Hysterical Kulats: Yeah, you’re not our magical dreamboat.

PF: I have no idea to what either of you are referring, but I can safely say that you are correct – I am not the Vampire Pants…

Audibly-Disappointed Pants-Mobs: Awww…

Angry Liderhosen: Raspberries!

Hysterical Kulats: Okay, gang – let’s regroup and get back to making glittery poster board signs of adoration for the Vampire Pants.

PF: Wait – you LIKE the Vampire Pants?

Hysterical Kulats: Like?  We frickin’ totes all the way LOVE him!  Totes!

Hysterical Mob: Yay!

Angry Liederhosen: Not us!  We hate the creature and him stonewashed from the countryside!

Angry Mob: Grumble-grumble…

PF: Fascinating.

Angry Liederhosen: All right, all right everyone, false alarm.  Put the torches out.  Sharpen the seam-rippers so we’re ready for the REAL Vampire Pants!

PF: Roy, do you see among these two mobs of leggings any plaid professor pants like mine?

Roy: Negatory, chief.

PF: Well, we need to find some if we are going to find out how to get back to Professor Island in time to save it from Mr. Demon!

Blobby: Why do you keep reminding us that?  We know!

PF: YOU know, Blobby, but the future readers of your Blobby Log Blob-Log will need to be reminded from time to time.  This ridiculous story must be very hard to follow!

Moustachia: You said it, Mama.  So much exposition!

PF: Anyway, let us infiltrate these two mobs and find some professor pants.  This may take a while…

Current Mood: Fashionable.
Discoveries Made: Mobs of love and hate seem equally deadly.

Hereinto referenced: ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤